just thinking...alot...

so i've been awake since 6am and for some reason i cant help but think of people, situations, and friends from the past. i always promised myself never to regret the things i do, because i do wat i know and what i think at the time is best for me. im not complaining about my life..my life rite now as i see and live it is the best it could possibly be..but still, there will always be some sort of emptiness to all my happiness. maybe its because i let it be that way, or maybe its because i'm the "introspective don't let anyone know anythings wrong because others also have problems and its just not nice because the humble thing to do is make sure they r okay and happy :) ". i think its the second one..always putting myself last but its not so i can say how selfish everyone else is or to say they don't care about me..its just so they know how much i care about them. why am i always so preoccupied with what everyone else wants from me? who everyone else wants me to be? what will people think if i do this or that? as long as i can remember...even my friend karen has told me since we were in elementary that i always think of wat everyone else mite be thinking. i guess i have an obssession with the human mind and figuring out whats always circling in everyones head like repressed desires, who they hate,who they love, what they regret, what they want out of life, what makes their mind trigger. maybe i think that if i search hard enough in other people i'll find out what triggers all my emotions and that tiny little void as well, but wouldnt that make me a production of everyone else..eww. i guess this all goes back to that whole idea that i gotta stop depending on other people, not because im incapable of handling daily life, but incapable of handling my emotions, so ask everyone else to tell me how to feel. and its ironic how people depend on me. im a good listener and i'll be there for people who have shown me even the slightest sense of kindness whenever they need me but then how do i get so scared wen it comes to how i feel. i dunno. i dunno..lol thats a word i use a lot not because i really dont know..i use it because i dont know what u want me to say. sometimes i feel like everyones little puppet, not a mistreated one but a very indecisive one so i just go with watever someone gives me. thats my fault because i let myself be a puppet, but why if i care so much about people, and want to make sure everyone is happy (such an unrealistic dream..but i can dream cant i?) i cant have as big as a heart for me. its not like i dont try to bring myself to see the positive things..its just sometimes i think im a bit mental(shadow belief) and sometimes everyone else thinks im mental (shadow belief). O well like ms acosta once told me even the craziest of minds have some truth in all they say, in fact they mite even be geniuses. (im not calling myself a genius..lol).

i doubt anyone will read all this..o well i had a good conversation with myself then. :)